


Dungeons Aren’t Just Sexy Places for Germans

by Royalrastafariannaynays



Series: You're So Fucked [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Flirting, Dungeons and Dragons, Flirting, I roll to seduce the dragonborn!!!!!, M/M, Other, Roleplay, Trans Character, and reference to my own blog title, self-referential title
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 22:37:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6539326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royalrastafariannaynays/pseuds/Royalrastafariannaynays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat takes Kanaya's place in her fiancee's Dungeons and Dragons group one night. Karkat ends up seeing a person he wasn't expecting. Karkat remembers that person from inside a darkened closet, up close, from something like a literal million years ago. Karkat is <i>fucked</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dungeons Aren’t Just Sexy Places for Germans

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!!! If you're reading this, it's because I decided to post it before the release of ACT VII! Because I needed to write something fun with levity as well, because my other current fic, [ In Name and In Deed](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6080730/chapters/13937490), is kicking my ASS. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, and have a great night before we all perish!

Why the fuck did Sollux even invite you? To this house you’ve never been to before? To stare at this table full of readily smirking twenty-somethings with a similar lack of future and bad hair?

To be fair, you’re really the only one here with bad hair. 

That notwithstanding, you’re currently seated at a round table, with – starting on your left – Sollux, Vriska, the DM (Rose, Kanaya’s fiancée), Gamzee, some South Asian kid with square glasses, Jade fucking Harley, and some douche wearing shades indoors. You know half of them through school, Jade included, and Rose because of Kanaya. 

The two guys who are a mystery to you fist-bump across the table as they sit down. Rose gives them a withering look as they make some kind of loud noise, and then shifts on her chair and clears her throat. The guy wearing the shades clears his throat right back, lightly mocking her. She smirks, and holds up a list, and crosses something off. 

“There you go, Dave. First one to die tonight,” she hums, and puts the paper down, leaning her elbow on it and giving the guy a fake doe-eyed expression of the holiest innocence money can buy. 

Dave, Dave, why does that sound familiar?

Something from high school, maybe? A guy in one of your classes, surely? 

Maybe he’s… oh god. 

Your neck practically creaks as you crane it up at him. The lines under your eyes feel like they’ve gained eighty years with how strained your face feels, and you meet his eyes. Dave’s drawing his shades down his nose with a finger, looking at you over the top. 

_Fuck_

Gleeful is the only word to describe the expression he takes on. 

“Well I’ll be. Karkat Vantas, in the flesh,” he says, mouth stretching into a tiny smirk at the corner. 

“Strider,” you choke out. You should have remembered the shades.

He’s changed. What happened to the nervous wreck you made out with in those thirty-two minutes of fateful closet shenanigans? He was short, then, you remember, your height. So thin, with a softer jaw and a sloping neck. And suspicious bruises on his arms. This Dave Strider is not the Dave Strider you saw up close (for the first time) and left at one party in Junior year. This Dave Strider is lean but not skinny, unmarred skin on his face free of blemishes, a sharp jawline, and god he’s making your binder feel too tight, you’re so fucking weak.

You’re fucked. 

It had been one of Terezi’s famous parties, in that huge house her lawyer mom bought out in the more sparse suburbs. You’d been just a little drunk on a couple of shitty cups of the cheapest keg beer Eridan could find. Everyone was in the backyard smoking with Gamzee’s brother and his girlfriend Meulin, inside dancing, playing beer pong, or making out with someone in dark corners. Basically. Actually, if you remember correctly, there was an inordinate amount of people making out. So much so that you’d been about to leave because all your friends had found someone or were out smoking. 

To think of it, you’d been opening the closet to get your coat, when a hand had shot out and pulled you in. Spluttering, you’d come face to face with this fucker. He’d said something about hiding from his ex, then looked you up and down, and asked if you’d like to make the time hiding more interesting. Because he of course couldn’t let you leave, since you knew where he was. So fucking what if you’d taken him up on it. He’d smelled really fucking good. 

“Now, everyone, let’s start,” Rose’s voice brings you out of your memories, thank the fucking Lord. 

“As you all are surely aware, we have a guest with us today. He wanted to come and get extra experience, so here he is,” Rose continues. “I’m sure most of you know him, but if you don’t, this is Kanaya’s friend, Karkat. He’ll be taking her place tonight.” 

There’s a soft chorus of hellos from around the table, and you give them the most awkward wave this side of the Mississippi River before looking back down and pouring your dice out onto the table. Chancing a look at sunglasses douche turns out to be a bad idea, as he pops the most outrageous wink you’ve ever seen, and flashes you his teeth. This is going to be an interesting time.

The campaign starts, and it’s straight into the action. They’d left off just before a boss battle the last time, and it turns out to be easy to pick up. Sollux’s cleric (it’s not really his ideal but ‘thomeone hath to be the fucking cleric and none of thethe athholes picked it’) easily heals your dragonborn fighter as you charge into battle head-first, taking out enemies easily and hopefully impressing the others in the group. You doubt it. But it would be nice. 

After all, Gamzee’s a half-orc barbarian, an ideal class match, and he’s fucking useless as a tank. Never knows his attack rolls, never enrages and constantly has to look up his armor class. He’s got a handbook in front of him, but he’s probably blinded by the sheer cloud of surrounding residual weed smoke and flies that probably live in his hair. God. 

“You’re gonna burn a hole in the table if you mutter any harder over there,” Dave murmurs to you as Gamzee tries to figure out his turn. It makes you jump nearly out of your chair. 

“What the fuck, Strider?! Don’t scare me like that!” You snap at him. 

He snorts, covering his mouth with his hand. “Okay, shortstack. Not my fault you’re easily scared.”

You scowl at him, and then redirect it to the table in front of you. 

“Dave? It’s your turn,” Rose tells him. “Pay attention, if you will.”

“Yes ma’am,” he says, rolling his shoulders. “I would like to cast, uh… Thunderwave. Level four. I run straight into the middle of that crowd of frogs and light the fuck up. John!”

The last unnamed kid looks up, and straightens his glasses. “Yeah man?”

“Gimme a beat!” Dave says, and god. You can feel the sheer stupidity compass of the room rising steadily, and cresting on a wave of pure assholiness. John does just that, and starts beatboxing evenly enough. And Dave starts to rap. God, he’s a bard, right? What did he say again? On a ‘quest to find the dankest medieval weed and the chalice of sick rhymes’? 

“It's Myx Moscato, it's friends in the bottle, it's Dave full throttle, it's all, all.”

Rose adopts a wider smirk than before. 

“Swimming in the grotto, we winning in the lotto, we dipping in the pot of blue pho. To.”

Sollux groans. “Well at least he’s not rapping one direction songs this time.”

You look incredulously at Sollux as what equates to a séance befitting the highest of tools takes place next to you. John is still laying down a shitty beat. “He did what?” 

Sollux nods at you, and sighs. Vriska is holding her head on the other side of the table and Jade is just smiling and tapping her pencil neatly.

Dave is still fucking going. “If he hangin' we bangin', phone rangin', he slangin', it ain't karaoke night but get the mic 'cause I'm singing- “

Rose cuts him off. “What does this have to do with thunder, exactly?”

Dave holds a hand up and John stops his beat. “Bang Bang was the only reference I could come up with on short notice,” he explains. “I could have freestyled but none of you could handle my incredible talent, all coming into the room like an elephant and sitting down at this table, none of you mentioning my prowess for the rest of the night. Or anything, really. Cause you’d be swooning off the chairs, clutching your chests and cryin’ out _‘oh Dave! You’re so talented!’_ ”

The southern belle routine for that last bit was pretty funny, and a snort comes out before you can stop it. Dave freezes, and reaches over to pat you on the back. 

“You okay there?” He asks you, and maybe he’s not funny after all. You shrug off his hand. 

“Peachy. I got some of your ‘talent’ up my nose. It’s alright, some people call their body odor different things, it’s nothing to be ashamed of,” you shoot back. Jade and John let out a loud chorus of ‘oooh’ and Sollux snickers. Dave’s mouth quirks up on the corner again, and you feel incredibly victorious.

Rose’s eyebrows are still raised as she checks something behind the DM screen in front of her. 

“Dave, they all failed their check. They all die, no need to find dice for that roll. John? Your turn.”

John gets his air genasi monk to do something that you don’t quite focus on, because after he does it, the big bad comes out, and you have to run in and save shit. Dave manages to subdue the boss’s pet wolf with his advantage on animal handling checks. He gets advantage from a cloak with… giant cat ears on the hood. 

“What the fuck, that’s not game-legal,” you protest, and everyone at the table gives you a look. A look that clearly says _the wolf is gonna kill us, shut the fuck up._

\--

After the lot of you manage to walk away from the boss fight limping, sans Dave’s new pet wolf, there’s enough time for some roleplay in the local village. There’s the standard “hey we killed this shit, please give us money and resurrect our idiot barbarian friend,” and then you have the opportunity to stick with them on the beginning of the new mission. 

Jade ends up fucking off into the woods in dog form in some kind of rendezvous with her faction, Vriska goes to pick pockets because she heard a hot tip from someone that there’s going to be a cultist with a key in his pocket at the tavern. Gamzee starts a brawl for no reason. 

You go to meet up with a faction member at another tavern and get some information. Dave and John follow you, to get a pint. They have nothing else useful to do. While you’re roleplaying a conversation with an informant, Rose announces that Dave and John notice several of the bar patrons closing in on the Dragonborn. 

Dave slams his hand down on the table, causing three of this 6-sided dice to scatter on the board. “I’ve got the solution, guys! No fighting! I just have to get Karkat out of there, right?” 

Rose looks a little wary. “Alright. Go for it.”

Dave leans in to the table, and looks at you over the tops of his glasses again. He props his chin up on his own hand, and says, 

“Roll to seduce the dragonborn.” 

Oh god no.

“Oh god no,” you say. Firmly, you hope. 

“Oh, don’t worry,” he says with a beatific little grin. It’s frightening, really. “I’ve got advantage on animal handling.” 

John and Jade laugh out loud, Sollux snickers again, even Vriska chuckles a little bit. 

“You don’t need to _seduce_ him, Dave,” Rose says, but she’s already rolling something and marking something down on a sheet. 

“Roll. To seduce. The dragonborn,” he insists, still looking at you. Your face feels so heated you’re surprised you haven’t fainted yet. 

“You’re letting him do this?!” You exclaim, turning to Rose. She grins at you knowingly. 

“It works with his character, actually. It’s a trait of his, if I’m not wrong. Or a flaw? Dave?” She flicks her eyes to him. 

“A flaw. Can’t resist a pretty face. Sadly,” he says. 

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” you sigh. 

“Make your roll, Dave,” Rose says. 

He rolls a critical. 

That little goddamn 20 sitting there on the die, staring up at you like it personally wanted to see you have to deal with this asshole in front of the entire table. You want to _destroy_ it. Dave’s rubbing his hands together like he’s trying to start a fucking fire in Boy Scout camp. 

“Keep it short, Dave,” Rose hums. And you’re absolutely horrified. Short???

“Sir Fabio McSnuggles von Purrrmusk,” Dave starts.

Vriska chokes on her water instead of laughing. “Holy _shit_ , Dave.”

Dave temporarily redirects his grin at her, and then looks right back to you and continues. “…saunters up to the dragonborn at the bar. He says,” Dave trails off. He looks you dead in the eyes. “So. You wanna come to my place? This bar’s getting boring, and I have some fuckin awesome ale someplace nice and dark.”

While Dave’s wiggling his eyebrows, you sit in a little bit of shock. God, he’s actually doing this. You have to roleplay it, too, if the severe look Rose is giving you is any indication. 

“Uh, what did you have in mind?” You say, definitely and absolutely sounding like you’re being successfully seduced. And not like you’re definitely not taking this seriously.

Dave leans toward you a little, and murmurs, a purr on the edge of his words, “My place. Ale I mentioned. Less clothes.” 

You shoot a look at Rose, and she nods at you, smiling in a way that would seem evil, were she not who you know she is. Scratch that, the look coming from behind the rounded apples of her cheeks is totally going to fuck you over. 

“Sounds… great,” you say from behind your teeth. She gives you a little nod. You send John a look, hoping for him to step in with his monk. It’s hopeless, though, his prankster eyes are glinting merrily in the wake of the disaster that he could have totally prevented, but chose not to. 

A new kind of grin fills Dave’s teeth, then, and he leans back. 

“So we leave the bar. I don’t actually have a house here, and you’re fine with that, because I’m. So. Charming,” he tells you, and you scowl at him with eyes that could heat metal. “There’s an inn though. A really sexy inn. And I take you to it.”

“I’m assuming I get no say in this,” you offer, waving a hand.

He’s giving you a look you’re having a hard time describing, and continuing his story. “And Sir Fabio McSnuggles von Purrmusk is totally terrible in the sack, by the way. All flirt and no bite, but then again I got a nat twenty – a critical, just to remind you – so you’re really fucking into it. I top, by the way. We fucking wake up the neighbors in the inn. Cause you’re dynamite in bed, exploding, catching on fire.”

“I’ll light _you_ on fire. Christ, Dave.” Maybe if you work hard enough, you can use your face to do it, cause it’s already hot to melting. 

Dave ignores you. “Anyways. We get out of the inn around… two hours?” Dave pierces you with his gaze again, looks down, and checks an imaginary watch. “Yeah. Two hours. Later.”

John wolf-whistles, and Jade pumps her fist in the air, cheering a little. God you miss Nepeta, back in your other group. She just wants to be in her animal form all the time, she doesn’t fucking… whatever this is, even.

You’re so weak. This is pathetic. Rose comes back in after an audible groan from the other party members at that last line. “You have effectively avoided the cultists and taken up the rest of your day. Congratulations,” she says. 

Dave, for all his aggravating everyone else, is looking incredibly self-satisfied. You manage to be irritated and hopefully he can’t tell what he does to you. He can totally tell, who’re you kidding. God, this is pathetic. 

Kanaya walks in the front door, arms full of bags of fabric, looking exhausted. She kisses the top of Rose’s head and gives you a little wave on her way to the stairs.

“And that will end our session for the day!” Rose announces, and closes her book. 

You sigh deeply, and try not to look at Dave. Your face is flaming, you can feel your binder a little more tightly than normal again, and it’s a struggle to not show it, to reach down and adjust it through your shirt. God oh God. 

\--

Before you can escape in in Sollux’s shitty Ford Taurus, Dave ends up catching up to you. You stop about five feet from the car when his hand touches your shoulder. Jade is standing behind him by a good distance when you look, next to John, both of them with arms crossed and expectant looks on their faces. 

“Hey,” he says, when you look back at him, one arm up, and he’s scratching the base of his neck, where the beanie stops and the shirt collar begins. “You wanna catch up?” He’s nervous, you can tell. It’s very obvious. 

Your arms are relaxed by your sides, but one of your hands is clenching in your leather jacket. Maybe you should tease him a little. Payback for earlier. Yeah, you’re fully capable of being a genuine piece of shit, but right now, you want to be a snarky piece of shit instead. 

“And why the fuck would I want to do that, Strider?” You ask, shifting your weight. 

“I dunno. Cause I kinda wanted to see you again after that party,” You hear Jade snort and go ‘kinda’ really softly to John, who also laughs. Dave frowns back at them, and then turns back to you. “But I was too much of a chicken shit to get around to it. I’m a changed man, though, I hear. High school was like, the worst. For real.”

“After you got what is, right now, I’m sure, an incredibly douchey job, everything must be looking up, huh?” You scoff at him, half-serious. 

“Like a DJ?” He fills in for you. You distantly remember him spinning the music for half the night at that party at Terezi’s house. And you’re surprised. That’s almost exactly what you were going to say. 

“Uh,” you offer, eloquent.

“Well, I guess I deserve that, but no. I’m actually an archaeology grad student, so if that’s not too ‘douchey’ for you…”

“Sure,” you reply, surprising even yourself. 

You definitely surprised Dave, and his face opens up. Something soft and nervous, just like in that closet back in high school, comes up into his eyes. 

_  
There we go._

 

He smiles, and it feels real. “So uh. Can I take you to dinner?”

Sollux sticks his head out of the car window. “KK, let’th go! I gotta do laundry tonight!” he shouts at you, even though you’re only five fucking feet away from him. 

You turn and yell right back. “Hold your fucking horses, Sollux, and go ahead and shove your dick in your mouth and bite down on it.”

“I mean it, KK. Gotta go!”

“Just because you have a booty call and you forgot to clean your sheets last night does not mean you get to yell at me!” You turn back to Dave. “Yeah, dinner. Gimme your phone.”

Dave, looking skeptical but excited, unlocks and hands you his phone. You pull it from his hands, letting yourself linger where your fingers touch, and put in your number. 

“Text me about it,” you tell him with a little bit less of a scowl than before, “I need to catch my ride.” Catch the ride… that’s five feet away. Fuck you’re smooth. Smooth as a rocky Cliffside. Smooth as your goddamn hairy ass legs. 

Dave looks away for a second, and you think he’s going to leave with just that, before he turns back to you, a blush dusting the tips of his ears. “We could just go tonight?” He says, a little meekly. 

You let yourself frown, but not all of it is frown. There’s a smile under there, you can feel it. 

“C’mon Dave, at least let me shower the nerd smell off first.”

Dave mumbles, and you think you must have heard him wrong, because “I really like you like this” definitely is not something you expected someone to say from… seven years ago. 

“KK! Six! Five! Four!” Sollux is shouting, and you’re scrambling. 

“Fuck! Bye!” You run to the passenger door, and Dave’s already there, holding it open for you. Your bag nearly falls off in your haste, and one of your shoes is slightly dislodged. 

“Text me, moron!” you brisky shout at Dave. But he’s still there, and leaning in before you can protest. 

You still feel his lips on your cheek even as Sollux screeches away, and the tall sunglasses-wearing asshole is waving at you from Rose’s front lawn. In the rear view, you see John come up and pat him on the back, laughing loudly. Dave punches him in the gut. 

 

DAVE: so olive garden four pm on sunday right we going stag or what  
KARKAT: OH FUCK NO

**Author's Note:**

> hey! hope everyone is having a good week, and enjoyed this! sorry for all the complicated dnd references, I was trying to keep it accurate but also fairly simple for the sake of readers that didn't know what it was all about! if you have questions feel free to ask them! I really wanted to write a dnd scene and dave would totally be both the best and shittiest roleplayer ever. <3 
> 
> Yes, this karkat is trans, because hey that's how I headcanon human karkat a good part of the time (as long as im not writing it, I wouldn't want to write as trans **in depth** when im not)
> 
> sorry if any of the content came off as creepy, I tried to tone it down and everyone was just having a bit of good fun! 
> 
> Night!
> 
>  
> 
> _________________________________________________________________________
> 
> [Here](http://royalrastafariannaynays.tumblr.com/) is a link to my blog if you want to see updates or talk to me about my fics!


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